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Thing's I've Found 56 (A Post Holiday Smorgasbord of Delight)—12/29/2005

by Mark Rose

Everybody wants a monkey. But no one wants to clean up after it. Now for just $150, you can have your animatronic monkey head. It’s cool. http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,1895,1892167,00.asp

New crazy looking carnivorous mammalian species found in Borneo: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/4501152.stm. Sasquatch can’t be far behind.

Well now I know. I HATE Diet Coke. It just tastes like crap. But I love Coke Zero. Why? Here’s why. Coke Zero is based on the original Coke recipe. Diet Coke is based on the new Coca-Cola recipe that made a huge splash and then disappeared hopefully forever. Mmmm, acesulfame potassium. http://leslie.harpold.com/presents/000696demystifying_diet_cokes.html

One Red Paperclip. What a great idea. This guy takes one red plastic-coated paperclip and is trying to trade it up for something else to trade up to for something else to trade up to and so on. He started on July 14, 2005. He’s up to a freakin’ snowmobile! http://oneredpaperclip.blogspot.com/2005/07/about-one-red-paperclip.html. I think what amazes me most about this website is that he allows comments. Reading the comments posted by various people just makes me sad. People are viciously attacking him for doing something that harms no one. He’s not a "swindler," every one knows what they’re getting when they trade with him, he’s simply increasing the value of the trades as he goes. And as the oh-so-brave "Anonymous" points out, this is simply barter. Well yes, yes it is. Apparently Anonymous hates this concept but offers no real criticism of why, he simply prefers to call the man "pathetic." Sigh. The more one knows what people are like, the more one wants to hang out with dogs.

Speaking of dogs, my big black girl Sophia is a 100-pound Labrador mix. She is the sweetest thing alive. Yep, no question. No arguments. I will accept no alternatives. What does she do all day? According to this Australian report, pretty much just "sleeping and lazing about." http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5478,17483394%5E2862,00.html. Dog life is good...but short.

If you’re as hooked on reality TV and Survivor as I am, then you want to know exactly WHERE the Survivorettes are hanging out. This site has all the maps for all the seasons so you can book your special vacation to starvation hell: http://www.claycritters.com/map/survivormaps.htm

Parrots in Brooklyn. http://www.brooklynparrots.com/. With photos to prove it.

EggMcMuffin Maker: Better get one before McDonald’s shuts this down. http://www.eggandmuffintoaster.com/site.swf

What really goes on in that plate of food right in front of you: http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=14249

Chewbacca sings "Silent Night" and does it well: http://christmaschebacca.ytmnd.com/

David Letterman wants to quash a restraining order placed on him by a woman from New Mexico: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051221/ap_on_en_tv/letterman_restraining_order. So before you read this, you think maybe David has been letting his libido wander or something of that nature. No, it turns out the New Mexican woman is an absolute loon. But some stupid judge has still managed to place a restraining order against Letterman. Now, he probably did it just to get the woman out of his courtroom but this really is an astonishing abuse of the judicial system. This is the kind of action that SHOULD get a judge placed on probation, and the woman placed in an asylum. Uh yeah, I’ll wait for that.

Sometimes people with way too much time on their hands are cool. Like when they spend time creating a HUGE family tree for Donald Fauntleroy Duck. http://goofy313g.free.fr/calisota_online/trees/myducktreebig.html. I never knew Gyro Gearloose was married. And now I’m strangely attracted to Lorella Gearloose. Oy. I need a drink.

Panexa! Ask your doctor for a reason to take it. Ever been confused by those pharmaceutical ads on TV? Ever asked your doctor about a prescription for anal warts when what you were really hoping for was a small pill that could help you score with cute women? Well, Panexa’s got it covered. http://panexa.com/. I especially like the line: "Your lifestyle is one of the biggest factors in choosing how to live." Brilliant comedy.

And now for the Political Wrapup. Feel free to skip if you must!

I do agree with terrorists on one thing: Eminem is torture. http://www.kcra.com/news/5577000/detail.html

More Global Warming News: Yes, now planting more trees might actually be the problem, and not the solution. http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/nation/3528215.html. Look, most of us can agree that science definitely needs to be involved in our potential issues of global warming. But can’t we all agree, science-wise, that maybe we just don’t know the full story yet? Climate science is basically like the ancient practice of ichthyomancy (where you would cut up a fish and predict the future based on its entrails), and scientists put forth one cockamamie theory only to discredit it the very next day.

Germany Joins the Axis of Evil. Well "joins" might be a stretch, since they've been a charter memeber since 1912. Perhaps "Still Hasn’t Left"would be a more appropriate headline. The German government has released Hezbollah terrorist and murderer Mohammad Ali Hamadi after only 19 years of a prison sentence. They refused to release him into American custody even though we are technically allies and have reciprocal extradition treaties. Why? Because they didn’t want him to face the American death penalty. They didn’t care that Hamadi killed Navy diver Richard Stethem during a 1987 hijacking; naw, screw Stethem, it’s more important that Hamadi run free. Thankfully, the Lebanese now have the bastard in custody and they may be considering turning him over to us. Snicker. http://www.washtimes.com/world/20051221-120025-9152r.htm

Oh dear. It turns out that the Kyoto Protocol could actually increase greenhouse gas emissions. Of course, it isn’t true if the Bush Administration says it. But now atmospheric scientists are saying the same thing. You have to listen to them. They’re the ones that initially promoted the Kyoto Protocol: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4542104.stm.(By the way, it should be noted that the British magazine New Scientist was on this story at least two years ago. No one reacted.)

I’ve now posted a link to the left-wing UK Guardian newspaper twice in one year. See, I’m a centrist! Here’s another story about how pollution may actually be beneficial in the fight against global warming. Yes Virginia, down really is the new up! http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/story/0,3605,1672446,00.html

Afghanistan loves us. http://abcnews.go.com/International/PollVault/story?id=1363276. My God, look, it’s even from a mainstream news source. What the heck is this world coming to? Reuters, BBC and PBS need to step in here and remind the Afghanis that the U.S. is the Great Culturally Imperialistic Satan. (Yes, that was snarky. Sorry.)

And on that sweet and loving note, we really do wish all of you a Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday season. And hey, next year, let’s not just restrict that to a couple of weeks at the end of a long slog. Things I’ve Found wishes you a good time throughout the whole year, because that’s just the kind of folks we are.