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Things I've Found 26 (The All-Thanksgiving Issue)—11/26/2002

by Mark Rose

Heavenly Father, we give thanks to the fact that Mark is once again issuing his Things I’ve Found e-zine, and we give thanks to all those who we may wish to add to the subscription list. This is a long one but worth it and please forgive the ancient-ness of some of the links but you should still click on them because they’re either hilarious, amazing, or disgusting. Next one, I promise, will be pithier with more interactive links. Now pass the turkey leg.

Oh.My.God. This is a new feature of the zine that will alternate with the Wish I Was In Kentucky feature. You can thank me later. What it’s about is examples of completely over-the-top egregious behavior, things so . . .damn . . .wrong that you can only shake your head and count the days until civilization ends. For example, a couple years ago, the NFL ran promo ads for their product featuring all their great players named “Joe” (like Joe Montana, Joe Greene, etc.). Unfortunately, they used a rap song with the same title as musical background. Equally unfortunately, in the full non-advertisement version of the song, this rap “masterpiece” discussed things like beating whores, rape and other unsavoury tactics. Well, you say, spot on for the NFL, but it was a big embarrassment for them.

Just like it should be embarrassing for Pepsi and Coca-Cola to be hauled into Indian courts for defacing a. . .  . . ..freakin’ mountain!

http://www.globeandmail.com/servlet/ArticleNews/PEstory/TGAM/20020903/UREPOM-7/Headlines/headdex/headdexInternational_temp/9/9/25/ [This is a new one on me. The link still works, but it goes to an abstract of the article, and then you can “purchase” the full article for a nominal sum. Um, no, thank you, I’ll pass.]

Nice job, guys. Way to keep that whole anti-globalization thing in check.

Or, we could talk about the story that made me start this feature. Umbro is a sports equipment manufacturer, big in the world of soccer, and they have apparently been marketing a shoe with the name brand of  . . . wait for it . . . . Zyklon. Zyklon. Good God. Zyklon B was the gas that the Nazis used to kill Jews in their concentration camps. Even if all of the mucky-mucks at Umbro and all the ad folks and all the lawyers who are supposed to be doing trademark searches, and even if all those people’s relatives and friends hadn’t heard of Zyklon, how could this name have made it through the EU and been on the market since . . . . 1999? And why are we only hearing about it now? And when Nick Crook, Umbro’s spokesman, says something like: “Obviously, it’s unfortunate that it means something to some Jewish people, but . . .” don’t I have the right to stick Mr. Crook into one of those chambers at Auschwitz, beat him about the head and face with his stupid little sneakers, shouting all the while “I think it’s unfortunate that this might mean something to some sort of corporate spokesperson, but. . . .” Yes, I think I do. Slag off, Umbro. I hope you go the way of mylackey.com and Consolidated Freightways.


Oh man. Guy brags that he’s an undercover sky marshal to a passenger in first class. Unfortunately, first-class passenger is a REAL undercover sky marshal. Hilarity ensues.

http://www.philly.com/mld/dailynews/news/local/3945678.htm [Well, and chalk up the Philadelphia Inquirer as another newspaper that now requires login.]

In more recent news, the scheduled daily shuttles will take off for Remulak 4 any day now. There’s a new “moon” encircling Earth. How did I miss this in the evening sky?


You Know, There IS A Solution: Users are getting upset because the online map service MapQuest doesn’t always have the latest map updates, nor is it always correct in giving directions.


Of course, there is a better solution than a $1500 PC with a $20 per month Internet connection to access maps online. It’s called a. . . .wait for it. . . .map! How clever. You know, it’s those things that are like, printed, on dead trees. Yeah I know, who reads any more? Not these yokels, apparently. Dave Schafer, MapQuest.com’s general manager, notes that a paper map does not allow you to zoom in or out on surrounding local roads. Presumably, Mr. Schafer does not use his eyes when he is looking at a printed map, then. And your eyes will be able to focus on nearby roads a lot quicker than clicking and scrolling on MapQuest’s zoom feature. User Naomi Graychase curses the service (literally) but believes that MapQuest is “. . . the only real option, you know?” Er no, I don’t.

You know, you can never have enough Homer Simpson quotes:

http://personal.inet.fi/taide/karjalainen/homer.html [Now at: http://www.samikarjalainen.fi/homer.html]

As Stephen Green points out in his excellent blog, VodkaPundit (http://www.vodkapundit.com/) it has become quite the civilization when you can use the mixed metaphor: “Desktop wallpaper” and people know what you mean.

Scotland: Police had to be called yesterday after schoolkids ambushed animal rights’ activists with milk bombs. Around 100 students at Aberdeen Grammar School circled PETA leader Sean Gifford and a man in a cow suit, shouted “milk for the masses,” and pelted the duo with cartons of milk. The PETA campaigners had gathered at the school gates to warn children about the alleged dangers of drinking milk. A soaked Gifford said: “I have been all over the UK with this protest and I have never seen anything like this before. It must be something to do with children in Aberdeen. I think they just got a bit over-excited but I’m sure they will still go home and think about our message.“ Yesterday’s protest was the latest in PETA’s nationwide drive. They warn children that they could be at risk of heart disease, cancer, stroke and osteoporosis if they keep drinking milk. But 16-year-old Alan Smith was not in a listening mood in Aberdeen yesterday: “This is a stupid idea. We should be encouraged to drink milk. I certainly won’t stop drinking milk just because a man has dressed up as a cow outside my school.

Source: Daily Record

Huzzah! Michael Bellesiles’ lying piece of crap book Arming America (in which he argued that the average American of the Revolutionary Era did not own a gun and had no hope of owning one), has finally caused him to be fired (er . . .resigned) from his teaching post at Emory University. This is the man who said he had looked at San Francisco County probate records in the Contra Costa County History Center, until a few amateur part-time archivists at that latter institution blew the whistle on him and said he didn’t know what he was talking about. He fought back, stating that the Contra Costa County amateurs didn’t know what they had in their holdings. Well, that pissed them off. They raised a stink, got others to raise a stink, and now Bellesiles is out of a job. The book, which was a huge bestseller and got rave reviews, is thoroughly discredited. Check out page 12 and 13 of the link below where Bellesiles seems to not understand how the Mormon libraries work (which are truly the mother lode of all sorts of research material).

Here’s the report on Emory’s internal investigation: