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by Lucius Shepard

Things I've Found 23 (Bobby Darin's Things)—8/26/2002

by Mark Rose

Things . . .like a walk in the park
Things . . .like a kiss in the dark
Things . . .like a sailboat ride
What about the night we cried?

Most people don’t realize it but Bobby Darin’s big 1961 hit had another verse that was removed by the censors:

Things . . .like the things we’ve found
Things . . .like what we mail around
Things . . .like the e-mail zines
What about spam and junk mail screens?

Ah, if only we had that kind of publicity back in ‘61, we would have been much further along than Issue #23.

Hi, Atus!: You must forgive the lengthy pause this zine has taken from your inbox. We all went to the Betty Ford Clinic of Family Reunion Rehabilitation, played furious rounds of cards until very late in the night (or early in the morning), and cut a year or two off our expected life span by ingesting copious amounts of substances which cannot be named (though the words barbecue, kielbasa and whiskey all enter into the equation). But we’re back now, more’s the pity for you.

Dale’s Goat: And we’ll start off with a winner. In early July, a goat was born with a curious birthmark. . . .a mark that looked suspiciously like. . . .wait for it. . . ..Dale Earnhardt’s Number 3 on his racing car!!!!! Dum dum dum da dum. Oh wait, you’re not as scared as I thought you’d be. Well maybe that’s because this story is just as stupid as you could ever imagine:


But, there IS a picture of this remarkable spectral other-worldly goat:

http://www.news-journalonline.com/2002/jul/3/area2.htm [Well, not at this site any more, there isn’t.]

I note that this goat’s “3” isn’t slanted like Dale’s old number, nor is it outlined in color, nor is the goat black. Impostor.

Pennsylvania or Kentucky? You Decide!: Man shoots his friend because he gave him a wedgie at a Phish concert.


Once again, proving that Phish is dangerous to your health. [Awwww, all Phish news has apparently been deleted by the site. Bastards.]

Random music generator based on Web pages. Enter a Web page, and here what music is generated by that page’s layout:

http://www.twofivesix.co.uk/snd/ [This is a shame. It’s down and I can’t find anything similar on the Web, at least for now. Bummer.]

40-Mile [Now it’s 450 Miles!] Long Yard Sale: Oh, to be driving along Route 127 attending the world’s longest yard sale. I want to direct a documentary film about this event. Let’s all go in one big RV!



God made me buy that tomato, says Muslim girl. And when she slices it open, she sees a message from Mohammed.


But can anyone on this list trace the Arabic characters in the tomato’s veins? The image is pretty good and the Arabic characters are underneath for reference, but all I see is tomato-y pulp-y goodness, and a sadly delusional Muslim girl. [The site is occasionally down.]

Far be it from me to dump on other people’s religion. . . .but oh ok, I can’t help myself anyway. Here’s a quote I want you to think about:

“The Muslim world is weak and backward. We must banish the idea that the only knowledge we need is about Islam.”

Who do you think said that? President Bush? John Ashcroft? Pope John Paul II? Nope. It was the Prime Minister of Malaysia, Mahathir bin Mohamad, who runs a country that is 52% percent Muslim. It took real guts for him to say that on July 19 of this year and to continue, “Neglect of other knowledge has led to our lack of industrial capacity, and our inability to invent and produce weapons to defend ourselves.” Real guts, ladies and gentlemen. And a real sense of personal responsibility. Let’s see if he survives the year.

Change the World. . . .Or At Least Bali, or Maybe the Georgia River Basin: This is too long to discuss here so if you’re interested, contact me off-mag. Basically, a group in British Columbia has created a unique simulator that replicates the Georgia River (and Fraser River) Basin. You can make changes to it to see what the basin will be like in the future. You have to register, but registration is free. It’s a lot like SimCity, but a hell of a lot more serious. Even more interesting, they’ve ported the simulation to Bali, which is currently experiencing the ills of too much tourism. See how much that tropical paradise can take by clicking on:


and you can play it in English or Bahasa. I imagine most of us might try the former.

The original basic QUEST program for the Georgia River Basin is at:


You can download the Lower Fraser River Basin version (33.5 MB) at:


Book Review: Let’s get it over with — Michael Bellesiles’ book Arming America is a big fat lie. When this book was released, it received a torrent of praise. Now that it’s been found out to be at least sloppily researched, we don’t hear much about it any more. Bellesiles’ thesis was that America didn’t really have that many guns in Colonial times, they were rare, hardly ever used, and thus we had no violent crimes. Our “gun culture“ didn’t really start until the Civil War. It sounds great for the anti-gun crowd, but it turns out that he was just bloody lying through his teeth. And he was found out by volunteer archivists at the Contra Costa County Historical Center, whom he had previously dissed. Snicker. What a waste of academic space. Emory University will eventually have to punt this poltroon to the sidelines. Here’s a great article in the Yale Law Review that outlines exactly where Bellesiles failed as an historian. [Now at: http://www.law.nwu.edu/faculty/fulltime/Lindgren/LindgrenFINAL.pdf]

(By the way, the Yale Law Review only goes to about 3300 people. The link above, as of this past Monday, had been downloaded over 82,000 times. Vive la Internet!)