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Things I've Found 19 (One Small E-mail for Mark, One Giant Pain In the Ass for Subscribers)—4/10/2002

by Mark Rose

Idiots: Me! Yes, me! Because, as numerous subscribers pointed out, I forgot to actually put the URL in the last Things I’ve Found for the site I termed “You Are What We Market to You.” This is a site where, after you input your ZIP code, they tell you who they (meaning professional marketers) think you are. A little disconcerting, but fun to realize just how wrong demographers are. Here’s the link:


Kentucky: Gotta love Kentucky. Man who tried to kill Bush with a propane truck will be represented in court by . . .wait for it . . .Jesus Christ! Wow. Since Jesus never loses, at least not in state courts, this man could get off scot free. Oh wait, unless he’s an idiot, that is.

http://www.chattanoogan.com/articles/article_19931.asp

Idiots, Part Two: Hah! Just kidding. Here’s the marketer’s link:

http://cluster2.claritas.com/YAWYL/Default.wjsp?System=WL

Mascots, Part Uno: An 8th grade school voted to have their new mascot be the “Predators.” But school officials claimed that when news organizations started discussing the Catholic priest sex scandals, they called the randy pedophiles “sexual predators.” This didn’t sit well with school officials who forced the 8th graders to vote for a new nickname, which is now the Wildcats.

http://www.msnbc.com/local/WDIV/A1143173.asp [Link is down, unfortunately.]

Mascots, Part Deux: Glenwood High School and Middle School in Illinois decided they needed to change their “offensive” nicknames of Redskins and Braves. They chose “Titans.” Fair enough, right? Well no, apparently all the artwork for Titans seemed just . . .well . . .too . . .manly. Now they want to go back and have a more gender-neutral Titan mascot. Did I miss something? Is insanity perfectly acceptable now? Note also that the committee is specifically “steering clear” of mascots or logos that could be dressed up and appear at athletic events. In that case, why do you need a mascot to begin with??!! Figures, school principal is named Chuck Hoots.

http://www.sj-r.com/news/Thursday/i.htm [Sadly, also down though Chuck Hoots and Glendale still appears on Google.]

The Best News I’ve Heard In A Year!: Amidst all the hoohah of slavery reparations, MidEast warfare, copyright manipulation by big business, the death of personal responsibility, we get this news that made me smile from ear to ear: Coffee may prevent tooth decay! Avoiding dentists has never been easier, just drink two, or ten, cups a day.

http://www.cosmiverse.com/science04080203.html [I wonder why I picked two links off Cosmiverse which is kaput now. Don’t even remember the site. Ah, the ephemerality of it all.]

And I Want An Easy Bake Oven: Rock bands are notorious for coming into town, trashing hotels, allowing their drummers to O.D. on heroin in the bathtub, deflowering native virgins, then leaving the city with a trail of destruction in its wake. And along the way, they want perks. Lots and lots of perks. They’re rock stars, dammit! If you’ve ever seen the movie Spinal Tap, you remember the scene where the luncheon meat didn’t fit the bread size. Sadly, that’s not too much of an exaggeration. The Smoking Gun Web site has a ton of music group contracts and their hospitality riders online, so you can see exactly what your favorite band or singer wants when they come to town. And apparently, they want brand names.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/backstagetour/index.html

It’s really worthwhile to spend some time at the link because the attention to detail is rather astonishing. I’ve pulled a few gems just from the first column if you’re too busy, or too lazy, to click and see.

Foo Fighters — Misspell a word on their publicity and you have to pay $100 to the band’s manager. They don’t like pasta or vegetarian lasagne and they require (with no negotiation) 4 pairs of white tube socks, 4 pairs of boxer shorts. They also need 66 bottles of beer, 3 bottles of wine, 1 bottle of whiskey and 4 Kinder Eggs. At least they only want one room.

Red Hot Chili Peppers — They want a small piece of ginger root. Strangely, so does Pearl Jam.

Creed — Has an endearing dinner policy stating that since they’re Southern, they like simpler dishes. No Asian fusion, no tofu, the simpler the better. They also want only a pint bottle of Crown Royal (no larger, please), a whole bunch of junk food and one bag of string cheese.

Nine Inch Nails — Why do they NEED 2 boxes of cornstarch? Maybe I don’t want to know.

The Wallflowers — Specifically request NO Red Delicious Apples in their dressing room.

Live — This band needs NINE rooms for their magnificence. They are also the only band I’ve seen that requires an oxygen mask and tank for their lead singer.

Frank SinatraRing a ding ding! 1 bottle EACH of Absolut, Jack, Chivas, Courvoisier, Beefeater, white wine, red wine, but no beer. Frank knew how to party. He also needed 2 dozen jumbo shrimp and 3 cans of Campbell’s Chicken and Rice Soup.

Barry Manilow — His fan club decorates his dressing room at 11:00am for an evening show.

The Rolling Stones — Well, they’re the Stones. They require FIVE video games, a ping pong table and a SNOOKER table. They bring their own balls. Where the hell are you going to get a snooker table in mid-America?

Creativity: I feel small next to the man who runs the Exploding Dog Web site. Basically, you send this man a title or a phrase and he makes a disturbingly odd line drawing on the subject. Yeah yeah yeah, it sounds stupid but it’s actually pretty cool and won an instant place in my Favorites folder. For instance, he draws images around a title such as “Ambiguities are all we have” or “It Started to Happen“ (one of my favorites: http://www.explodingdog.com/january1/itstartedtohappen.html). Worth checking out.

http://www.explodingdog.com/