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Things I've Found 11 (Have a Holly Jolly Hanukkahriffic Kwanzaatic Noel Cowardish Kind of ... Thing)—12/21/2001

by Mark Rose

King County Executive Ron Sims has “suggested” (in a “Here Comes a Pink Slip Right Down Santa Claus Way” kind of suggestion) to government workers that they refrain from saying “Merry Christmas” to patrons in case said patrons become offended. Sigh. Would I be offended if someone wished me a “Fine Ramadan” or a “Happy Hanukkah?” Of course not, and I get the latter a lot because people assume my last name is Jewish. Only idiots get offended by something that is so obviously meant to be a friendly greeting. Only idiots attempt to legislate against such potential offense. Here’s an idea. I think every government worker, instead of saying “Merry Christmas” should say “Fuck you.” Seriously. Think about it. It expresses a happy sentiment. We ALL want to get laid for the holidays. If said with a proper level of sincerity and a big smile, it’s obvious that they are wishing us the ultimate in sensual experience. The only people this could possibly offend are the celibates. In which case, the worker could say, “Oh I’m sorry. Then go fuck yourself.”

Sex: This is the sexiest painting ever created, and it was done by Theodore Roussel in 1886:



Television: Simpsons’ Map of Springfield — Print it out and hang it on your wall! (From Cory Doctorow)


Or, since that image is super huge; if you want to look at smaller images, print each of them out, then tape them together for your own super size poster map, use this link:


Food: I pointed out to our New York correspondent the link for the Health Department’s closure of restaurants in her area. It turns out that King County also has this tremendous data online. Check out which King County restaurants closed this past week (my favorite was the “sewage on floor from plugged drain” special. Yum!)


Good news for us alkies; bad news for those of us who have trouble defining “moderation.” But apparently, moderate alcohol use can help your brain as you get older: http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20011218/hl/alcohol_4.html [Ah shit. Link not found, and I’m too drunk to look up the original story. Oh come on, you knew that line was coming.]

Another red wine is good for you story: http://seattlep-i.nwsource.com/national/51300_wine20.shtml

Music: Friends, don’t let friends buy copy-protected CDs: http://www.wired.com/news/mp3/0,1285,49188,00.html I’m all for some forms of copyright protection, but the music industry is trying to have its cake, eat it too, then make you pay for the privilege of watching them eat the cake. New copy-protected CDs from Universal Music Group will not be playable on a computer. If you want to play it on a computer, you have to subscribe to an online service for a monthly fee. If you ever stop paying that monthly fee, then you will no longer be able to play music on a computer. Do you feel your ownership rights being voided? You should. Now ask yourself: when was the last time a big music label ever did anything for me? Exactly. Excuse me while I go stick a pin in my voodoo doll of Hilary Rosen.

NBC Will Begin Airing Hard Liquor Adshttp://www.tvinsite.com/broadcastingcable/60817.htm. [Link dead, and frankly, I don’t think they ever did show the ads because I can’t remember seeing them; of course, I don’t remember a lot, please review the statement three links above. But at least NASCAR will now allow hard liquor sponsorships on their cars. So all is right with the world.] Now hard liquor is my friend, as you all know. But how is this any better than airing cigarette ads? It just seems like a desperate move on the part of NBC to get more ad money, but it WILL come back and bite them. There are restrictions, which are kind of laughable:

1 — Ads can only air after 9pm (presumably local time, but if you have a satellite dish and live outside of a major city, you can get East Coast programming at any time).

2 — Advertisers must run, before their liquor ads start, a four-month campaign promoting responsible drinking. Well they already do this pretty much anyway with Smirnoff’s Ice campaign (which isn’t hard liquor) and there’s all those quasi-religious agencies like MADD and People for Responsible Benders that air their scare commercials constantly. Note to networks: those ads don’t work.

3 — Once the liquor ads start, 20% of the purchased time must be devoted to the aforementioned non-working social responsibility ads.

4 — 85% of the audience when liquor ads run must be 21 years old. I don’t know how they’re going to figure this out. Do they have real concrete proof that only 15% of the American people under the age of 21 stay up after 9 pm?

5 — All actors in the ads must be 30 years old. Of course, is that “real” 30 years or is that Hollywood “30” years? What about all those 30 year old stars who act in high school movies? Do they count?

Intrigue: A long, but intriguing, mystery of a disappearing couple in the state of Washington in the year 1929. We may be on the brink of solving their loss: http://seattlep-i.nwsource.com/local/51413_mystery20.shtml